樱桃视频

Editor’s note: The following is the first article in a series from the book .

Mateo was a bright, sociable, straight-A student in middle school who seemed to have everything going for him. He didn鈥檛 have to work too hard to get good grades. Sure, he goofed off in class sometimes, but he was funny and popular and achieved great results. There didn鈥檛 seem to be a problem.

But as he got older, the fact that he was bored became more of a problem. He began skipping classes, sliding into the 鈥渟chool-is-not-cool鈥� crowd. He did the absolute bare minimum for his classes, and cut any corner he could. Teachers called home but his parents were busy with work and he assured them all was well — look at his grades, he told them! Mateo wasn鈥檛 failing, and he wasn鈥檛 quite yet rebelling. He was coasting, stuck in neutral, unwilling to put in any more effort than was necessary to skate under the radar.

Mateo was squarely stuck in Passenger mode.

We spent four years researching why so many kids struggle in school and found that young people turn up in four ways in their learning:

• Resister mode: Kids here push back against school, sometimes acting out or quietly withdrawing.
• Passenger mode: Like Mateo, these students coast along without much investment.
• Achiever mode: The darlings of modern schooling, these kids perform well but often tie their self-worth to grades and accolades, leaving them fragile under pressure.
• Explorer mode 鈥� the smallest group 鈥� these kids are curious, motivated, and resilient, driven by interests and a sense of agency.

Every student moves among these modes, but too many get stuck in Passenger mode, where learning feels flat and disconnected. This mode may sound harmless, but our research shows it鈥檚 far from it. In a survey of more than 65,000 students, , nearly half of middle and high schoolers told us they had school experiences that inspired coasting. The contrast with younger kids is striking: while almost three-quarters of third graders say they love school, by 10th grade that number plummets to about a quarter. Parents often miss the signs — 65 percent of parents of 10th graders believe their child loves school.

Does it matter?

Kids in Passenger mode are missing critical opportunities to grow. They鈥檙e 鈥渨asting their time developmentally,鈥� in the words of Johnmarshall Reeve, a professor who has studied student engagement for decades. When students are disengaged, they are less likely to develop curiosity, persistence, and a sense of identity as a learner that will serve them for life. Right now, we are entering an era where artificial intelligence will change everything from education and learning to the job market at every level. This age of AI will not reward coasters, but those who know how to dig in and solve problems (with and without the help of technology).

There鈥檚 good news: Passenger mode isn鈥檛 permanent. In fact, none of the modes are. Kids can cycle through them in the course of a year, a week, or even a day. And if they get stuck, they can get unstuck with help from the adults around them.

Mateo is proof. His turnaround started with a robotics class that gave him choice and agency. For the first time in a while, he was challenged, curious, and motivated. That class sparked something bigger. His energy for robotics led him to dive into YouTube and learn everything he could. He looked forward to class. Even aspects of math now seemed relevant, so he paid more attention. He also got motivated to find a school where he could do more hands-on learning, enrolling at The Metropolitan Regional Career and Technical Center (the Met) in Providence, Rhode Island, a school where hands-on projects, internships, and real-world learning are core to the curriculum. Suddenly, school wasn鈥檛 about filling out worksheets; it was about building, solving, and creating. The difference was transformative. Mateo not only re-engaged, he went on to win a scholarship to Clemson University.

Disengagement may look like laziness, but it鈥檚 more often about disconnection. When school feels irrelevant or out of sync with a teen鈥檚 interests, kids slide into neutral. But small doses of relevance, 鈥渧oice and choice鈥�, along with challenge, can reignite motivation.

If you have a kid stuck on Passenger mode, here are practical ways you can help them:

Four ways for parents to help kids stuck in Passenger Mode

1. Stop nagging

This feels counterintuitive — we know! But nagging doesn’t work. A 2015 study published in recorded moms offering neutral comments, praise, and criticism, then played them back to their children while scanning the kids鈥� brains. The finding was striking: when teens heard criticism, the problem-solving parts of their brain shut down. That鈥檚 why nagging — though tempting — tends to backfire. It doesn鈥檛 inspire motivation; it often pushes kids further into Passenger mode, especially at an age when they鈥檙e craving status and respect.

We nag because we think it鈥檚 the only way to get results, but it rarely works for adults — and it works even less for teens. Ample research shows adolescence is a period where young people crave status, autonomy, and respect. But nagging diminishes autonomy, and it elevates stress, which typically prolongs procrastination. That leads to more nagging and further diminishes autonomy.

2. More autonomy, less control

Research shows that when teachers use autonomy-supportive practices, kids perform better, feel better, and are nicer to each other.

As a parent, giving your child some autonomy doesn鈥檛 mean letting go of the reins entirely. Instead, it鈥檚 about identifying what they need and then helping them plan, rather than planning for them. What does this actually look like?

In speaking to your teen, try out language that’s less instructional and more conversational. Some phrases include 鈥榤ight you鈥︹�濃��. instead of 鈥榶ou have to鈥︹�� 鈥淲ould you consider?鈥� vs 鈥淕et it done.鈥�

Try some perspective-taking:

The quickest way to understand someone鈥檚 perspective is to ask. (Reeve likes to note that perspective taking is not the same as mind reading.) Try:

• How are you feeling about your homework tonight?
• What part of your homework is the most interesting to you?
• Do you see any connection between what you are studying and an X job in the real world?

This is preferable to:

鈥業 hear you saying you hate this topic鈥� or 鈥楨nough complaining already! Just do it!鈥�

Offer choices:

鈥楬ow would you like to get your homework done?鈥� vs 鈥業f you stopped procrastinating, you would just get it done!鈥�

You may roll your eyes and think, 鈥淚 am not letting my kid get away with being lazy.鈥� But does nagging and monitoring work for you right now? Teen brains are designed to develop by contributing and exploring, not complying. Remember back to being 16. How good did it feel to be yelled at or forced to do something?
One ninth grader in New York, who spends a lot of time in Passenger Mode, told us that not being asked to study for Spanish and getting an 87 on a test felt way better than being hounded to study and then getting a 92: 鈥淚t makes me feel like I鈥檓 not even accomplishing anything when I get a good grade 鈥檆ause my mom made me study all night.鈥�
If you want to raise a problem solver, you need to give them a chance to solve problems. That means less advice and more asking questions.

3. Help kids find their spark

鈥淚nterests are to kids what chew toys are to puppies: necessary for development, and great to avoid boredom,鈥� we write in The Disengaged Teen. In other words, letting kids spend time doing things they care about gives them energy and motivation, which can spill over to academics.

Schools and families should not require good grades as a prerequisite for extracurricular participation. Kids in Passenger mode might well need their interests to stay engaged in something. As long as they are not hurting themselves or others, these interests are essential for keeping kids in the game.

This is not what always happens now. Almost 60% of students with straight As participate in extracurricular arts activities, but only about 30% of those with Cs and Ds do. Taking away the thing that motivates a struggling student, be it sports or skateboarding, just accelerates disengagement.

4. Help them study smarter

A surprising number of kids do not know how to study — and they also don鈥檛 want to admit as much. They may need help figuring out how to get started, how to make a plan, how to stick to the plan, and how to organize their tasks.

The reason is simple: Most schools spend way more time teaching kids content and less time on teaching kids how to learn. Some students naturally pick up 鈥榣earning to learn鈥� skills and can organize their time, break down tasks, figure out when to ask for help, and reflect on how they are learning so they can improve. Others need more help. These metacognitive skills — a team at Harvard calls them 鈥渃oaching yourself as a thinker鈥� skills — drive success in school and life, and can be developed.

Passenger mode can feel discouraging, but it鈥檚 also an opportunity. Teens like Mateo remind us that when kids have agency, relevance, and real challenges, they don鈥檛 just re-engage with school — they discover themselves as learners. And that shift can make all the difference for their future.