樱桃视频

Editor’s note: The following is the second article in a series from the book .

In elementary school, Samir had close friends. They would play Minecraft, bake, or play hide-and-seek together after school. In class, Samir loved learning, especially with all the enriched activities and projects, and hands-on work he did in his Virginia public school鈥檚 gifted and talented program. In short, he loved school and thrived in it.

Until one day, when everything changed.

When Samir entered middle school, he was not with his friends. Somehow in the summer between elementary and middle school, he had become ungifted and untalented. He missed his friends. He was the only one of them who hadn鈥檛 made it into the 鈥渟mart kids鈥� class. He felt he had failed but wasn鈥檛 sure why. But he was constantly reminded of what he was missing. He would sit at his desk in science class reading from the textbook about algae and while a school announcement would call his friends in the gifted and talented program to go on exciting field trips.

He felt awful at school and so decided not to go. 鈥淚 was in the outgroup. I felt this profound sense of social isolation,鈥� Samir says, describing his middle school years. He became increasingly anxious at the thought of going to school. His busy single mom was trying to keep down a job while going through a difficult divorce and would urge him to go to school, but he often said he was sick. Slowly, Samir withdrew, staying home, not turning in homework, not sharing with his mom what was really going on. She tried everything, including physically taking him to school, which didn鈥檛 work because he was much larger than her, to getting him into therapy (which he hated), to threatening to take away his privileges. Nothing seemed to work.

Samir had sunk deep into Resister mode.

We spent four years researching why so many kids struggle in school and found that young people turn up in four ways in their learning:

• Resister mode: Kids here push back against school, sometimes acting out or quietly withdrawing, like Samir.
• Passenger mode: Students coast along without much investment.
• Achiever mode: The darlings of modern schooling, these kids perform well but often tie their self-worth to grades and accolades, leaving them fragile under pressure.
• Explorer mode — the smallest group — these kids are curious, motivated, and resilient, driven by interests and a sense of agency.

Every student moves among these modes, but sometimes kids get stuck in Resister mode, where they avoid or disrupt their learning. Approximately one in four children is chronically absent from school, missing over ten percent of the school year. Psychologists and counselors note a significant uptick in school refusal, which is often a sign of broader anxiety — separation anxiety, social anxiety, or general anxiety, and which makes school unbearable for many kids.

Resister mode can wreak havoc at home. It is incredibly difficult for parents who try everything they can think of and feel judged by society for having a child that just won鈥檛 seem to do what every other kid does each day: go to school and try. But it is especially hard on students themselves, who often, like Samir, are struggling with hidden fears and emotions that stop them from engaging in their learning.

Can kids turn around?

There鈥檚 a silver lining: Resister mode isn鈥檛 permanent. In fact, none of the modes are. Kids can cycle through them in the course of a year, a week, or even a day. And if they get stuck, they can get unstuck with help from the adults around them.

Samir shows this is possible. As Samir missed more and more school, educators and administrators had one question: how was he going to make up all the work he was missing? Finally, one school counselor asked him why he was not coming to school. He saw someone who seemed to care, and he began to open up. His school support counselor got him help and offered her office as a refuge at school.

He took baby steps, coming in for one class and retreating to the counselor鈥檚 office if needed. Gradually, with a range of supports, he started coming back to school. Child development experts know that , they can鈥檛 concentrate, take in information, or focus on solving problems. For Samir, his school counselor鈥檚 support was a lifeline that helped break the resistance.

Then, his peers and extracurriculars pushed him into Explorer mode, where he began to thrive.

A classmate noticed he knew a lot about local politics and suggested he volunteer on a local campaign. The politician was impressed with Samir鈥檚 interest in education policy鈥攈e had a lot of questions about why you can鈥檛 have talented and gifted programming for all kids鈥攁nd suggested he run for the student representative on his district鈥檚 school board. He had not understood that his ability to dive deep and grapple with details was a gift, one that did not need a school program to make it official. He ran for election and lost. But he was selected as an alternate and went to every single meeting that year. He got excited to make changes at schools across the district. He advocated for more mental health screenings to help other kids struggling like him. The next year, he ran again and he won. He was no longer depleted and retreating but energized, digging in, attending class, and going deep on school politics.

Resister mode can look like a character flaw. Parents see obstinance, misbehavior, disrespect, and lack of effort. But often it鈥檚 more that kids have not found anywhere to succeed. They feel a sense of utter overwhelm, and as with Samir, deep anxiety and feelings of inadequacy.

Three ways for parents to help kids stuck in Resister Mode

1. Get to the why

Too often — from a place of love and desperation — parents correct before they connect. They tell their child everything they are doing wrong. But helping kids stuck in Resister mode requires getting to the bottom of why they are resisting. in London, puts a focus on turning around kids in Resister mode. Their secret? Seeing every behavior problem as a request for help. Parents can do the same. The refusal to go to school? Maybe it鈥檚 not intended to disrespect your authority, but a signal that something is really wrong.

We found that kids in Resister mode always had something driving them to avoid and disrupt their learning. Finding out what this is and helping to remove, address, or get around it is essential. To start, parents can signal to their child that they are there in the trenches with them, side-by-side. Once there, the goal is not to give advice or ultimatums but to try and get to the why of their resisting and support them through it. Parents can try some of the following approaches to get started:

• Be nonjudgmental. 鈥淚鈥檝e noticed you鈥檝e been feeling really down lately. I鈥檓 here for you if you need me.鈥�
• Acknowledge struggle. 鈥淚 see things are hard for you. I want you to know you can share anything with me.鈥�
• Express a desire to understand. 鈥淚 can鈥檛 imagine how hard this must be for you, but I want to understand and help you in any way I can.鈥�
• Validate feelings. 鈥淚 see you are upset. Remember, you鈥檙e not alone in this. What鈥檚 one thing I can do right now to support you?鈥�

Sometimes this subtle shift in approach is what is needed. One father who used these approaches when his daughter was deeply stuck in Resister mode told us they helped him see that while he had been trying to help his daughter succeed, she had just been trying to survive.

2. Spot their strengths and interests

All children need help identifying their bright spots. This is especially true for kids in Resister mode. What are their particular strengths and interests? How can they contribute and make a difference? Often, when kids resist, they get a lot of negative feedback about their behavior, abilities, and character. We are not saying kids in Resister mode should not have consequences for their actions. Boundaries and consequences are essential. But they also need to see a pathway out of their resisting. Adolescents are hardwired to stand out and fit in, meaning evolution has primed them to find their unique contribution to their tribe. If they can鈥檛 see it, they may lash out. You can help see another way.

Parents are uniquely positioned to know what their own kids love and what they are good at. They have family stories to make them laugh, find the thing that gives them energy, and dig in. This is much harder for busy teachers with multiple kids in a class. As long as they aren鈥檛 hurting themselves or others, kids in Resister mode can become increasingly engaged in learning and life through diving into their strengths and interests, just like what happened with Samir when his classmate suggested he get involved in local politics.

Sometimes kids鈥� assets are hard to see, especially when they are busy resisting. But think of yourself as a strength finder, seeing the skills and abilities embedded within activities. Below are some examples of doing just this that we have matched to researcher John Holland鈥檚 codes that are widely used in the field of career counseling. Holland developed when he saw how much different personality types fit with different careers. They include: Doers, Thinkers, Creators, Helpers, Persuaders, and Organizers.

• Your kid鈥檚 a persuader when they throw a party, convince their older sister to buy the booze, rope in friends to bring the food (all instead of doing homework).
• Your kid鈥檚 a doer when they jerry-rig a marshmallow shooter out of a bicycle pump, hose, and old water gun (instead of doing homework).
• Your kid鈥檚 a helper when they spend hours on FaceTime supporting friends (instead of doing homework).

3. Imagine a possible, future self

Sometimes, kids in Resister mode start to lean heavily into a Resister identity. When this happens, they have a hard time imagining themselves differently. What does their future look like? What can they do? Who will they spend time with? These are all questions that help kids imagine a possible, future self that is different from the one they have today.

Researchers have found that when kids ask themselves these questions, it helps them create a new path. Importantly, this is not asking what kids want to be when they grow up. It鈥檚 about asking: what do you want your life to be like next week, or next semester? Then, parents can help kids think through the steps they need to take to get there. This isn鈥檛 simply a one-hour conversation but one that unfolds and slowly evolves over weeks and months. There will be plenty of setbacks.

Four steps parents can use when helping their children imagine a new future are:

• Imagine. Imagine yourself in six months or a year. What would you like to be doing?
• Identify steps. Identify the steps to get there, including actions today.
• Reflect. Reflect on the obstacles that might get in the way of this future. Consider ways to deal with them.
• Interpret difficulty as importance. Learn to understand difficulty as a sign of importance and meaning, and not a signal to quit.

Having a child stuck in Resister mode can be frustrating and heartbreaking for parents. It can feel like things will never turn around.

But remember, it probably feels the same way for your kid. Samir wasn鈥檛 trying to aggravate his mother or teachers. He was trying to cope with a tidal wave of negative emotions and see a way out of what felt impossible to him. When he got the help he needed, and the energy to get out of reverse and turn himself toward things he loved鈥攆riends, politics, debate, detail鈥攈e became unstoppable.